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The Most Important Thing To Know About Conflict

The Most Important Thing To Know About Conflict:

Turning ideas about conflict, safety, and explosiveness upside down. Re-Published with permission from the author Elaine Shpungin

There is something my parents and teachers never told me about conflict.

To increase safety, move towards it.

I’m guessing that this idea, for many of you, is not only counter-intuitive but down right aversive. Certainly, for most of my adult life that had been the case. Just the thought of needing to “deal” with a live conflict would knot my stomach into a ropy mass. After all, stepping into a situation in which people were too angry or hurt to be “calm” (even when the people happened to be me) was volatile, dangerous, unstable.

To help me feel safer, I found many effective ways to avoid conflict, or, if not avoidable, bring down the temperature of those involved through a number of effective “soothing” techniques.

However, the conflicts themselves did not actually get resolved. They just went under ground. And my subsequent interactions with the same people would continue to have that tinge of danger – the slight scent of gun powder in the air – ready to ignite with the right spark.

But that’s the nature of conflict, isn’t it? The best we can do is get everyone to agree to behave in a “civilized” manner for the duration of our time together and Hallelujah if we can get that far.

Or so I thought until I met Dominic Barter, a Brazilian Brit, and founder of Restorative Circles, who has turned my ideas about conflict, safety, and explosive content upside down.

Barter’s theory is that painful conflict has to do with unmet – and unheard – needs (let’s say for respect, security, love, safety). The further we move away from the communication of the unmet need, the louder that communication needs to become to get our attention. In other words, just as people tend to raise their volume in order to compensate for being further apart physically, they also tend to “raise their volume” to compensate for their perception that they are moving further apart in shared understanding.

At its extreme, this volume raising looks like violence.

It follows, then, that in order to lower the volume of a conflict, you move towards it, not with the intention to soothe but with the intention of increasing mutual understanding.

This theory underlies Barter’s wildly successful and award winning restorative justice process of addressing conflict at all levels.

Indeed, when I first heard it, the idea of moving towards conflict felt both radical and resonant to me. Somewhere deep inside, I recognized the times I had escalated my volume, words, actions – in response to what I believed was a complete lack of being heard or understood.

Still, as Barter advises, I did not simply take his word for it. Instead, I spent most of this summer trying out the theory for myself.

What this looked like on the ground is that my spouse and I seemed to suddenly be having a striking increase in arguments – painful, frequent, unpleasant, tiring, dragged out arguments. At least that was how it seemed at first.

I believe this was a natural result of allowing myself – for the first time ever – to trust (just temporarily) that Barter may be right. And so, I was moving us towards the (explosive) exploration of long-avoided areas of “unmet needs,” such as “Am I really loved and wanted?” and “Does what I say really matter?”.

However, neither arguing nor avoiding arguments brings on the mutual understanding that, according to Barter, leads to increased restoration (righting of relationships) and safety.

Thus, what was different about my experiment this summer is that after every painful argument, we made time (later on) for a deep, restorative conversation (using tools gleaned from Barter’s Restorative Circles and other related modalities, including Non Violent Communication ). Over the course of weeks and months, these restorative conversations about real truths started to bring us out of the darkness of some long-standing mutual mis-understanding into the light of mutual comprehension. And over time, the restorative conversations began to take the place of the arguments. At least some of the time.

And then, a wonderful thing happened.

The spaces between our arguments not only grew longer. They grew peaceful.

Not simply the quiet of a temporary truce. Not the silence of an agreement to disagree or a patient tolerance of the issue. Not a grin-and-bear it, suck it up, everyone-must-compromise-something type of thing. It was the clear crisp quiet of having things cleared out and set back to zero.

The sense of ease and comfort that flowed between us after a painful issue had been honestly examined using restorative tools was profound. Even our children could feel it.

Peace, it turns out, is not the absence of conflict but the state of deep inner knowing that your most sacred longings have been fully heard and acknowledged. And that can only be accomplished by moving into – and through – the fire.

Barter’s last training in North America this year will be in Atlanta from October 28-31, 2010, with a one day overview on October 28 and a three day Restorative Circle facilitator training from October 29-31.

I’d love to see you there!

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Copyright Elaine Shpungin 2010

Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. enjoys enjoys writing about her “peacemeal” attempts to create harmony one choice at a time. At the moment, she is a student of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Restorative Circles (RC), a budding writer, a humbled parent, a work-in-progress romantic partner, and a director of a psychology training clinic for doctoral students in Clinical/Community Psychology.

To receive announcements about future Peacemeal posts, follow Elaine on Twitter: http://twitter.com/eshpu

This article was first published on September 23, 2010 in Peacemeal: Creating a life of harmony one choice at a time by Elaine Shpungin. This article has been reprinted with the permission of the author.

Original Link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peacemeal/201009/the-most-important-thing-know-about-conflict

Too many words

by Wendy McDonnell

When my oldest son was younger than five years old, he would place his hands over his ears and yell, “Too many words!”, when I would ask him about how he was feeling.

What seemed like a simple question to me, was overwhelming to him. I wanted to help him. The number of words or the way I said them was ineffective at communicating my message of caring and love. I wanted that to be heard. I also wanted to nurture my son when he felt frustrated, so, I tried something else.

I learned to speak with as few words as possible. I often choose silence first. I chose silence because I often don’t know what to say next. Ideally, I want whatever I say to mean something.

On the surface, I may look like I am doing nothing.
Inside, I am deeply connecting to my desire to understand and love fully. I want that love between me and my children. Then, I dwell in the beauty of what it’s like to understand and love with all my heart. I feel loving having those thoughts. Even now, as I write that, I feel soft and warm. I’m ready to listen.

Sometimes, that’s all I need to do: sit alongside my children in this beautiful, active silence and we both feel calmer.

If I feel some caring, loving urge to use words because I think they may contribute to understanding, I try to break them down into smaller chunks:

Let’s look at an example. “Are you feeling frustrated because it’s not working out the way you hoped?”

I try, “Are you feeling frustrated?” and then pause.
If that’s too long, next time, I may try, “Frustrated?”
I say and feel the words with curiosity and warmth in my body and voice.

When he seems to feel a bit calmer and ready to listen, I might add, “Trouble getting it to work?” or “Not working, eh?” and then pause.

Truth be told, I still blurt out too many words in what must feel like bombardment to the senses. Those are moments to be compassionate for myself. I can always try again then or next time. After all, all of us are learning all the time.

Communication is essentially sending and receiving messages. If my message doesn’t get through the way I was hoping, I can change the way I send it to make myself clearer.

I welcome your comments.
Was that useful or not?
Have you tried anything like this before? If so, what happened?
What have you noticed about connecting with your kids or partner? What works? What doesn’t?

Radical Self-Care

written by Wendy McDonnell

I woke up today feeling frazzled.
Yes. I hadn’t even gotten out of bed and I was already anticipating and dreading the day ahead. Meditating didn’t seem to go all that well either. As I closed my eyes and began to breathe, I was summoned by a small voice or arguing from the other room. This day wasn’t looking good.

I stumbled out of bed and hoped by making breakfast that things would look up for the day. After quickly getting breakfast for my kids, I remembered how important it is for me to take care of myself. I remembered some advice about putting my oxygen mask on first. Although, it seemed hard to do, I decided to take care of myself next.

While going to the only quiet room in the house…yes…the bathroom, I took a breath. It took me about 30 to 45 seconds and I felt a bit relaxed. Even though I could hear voices outside the bathroom door, I continued to bring my attention back to my breath. Try it now if you like.

The next thing I did was tune into what I was feeling in my body and what I was reacting to. I didn’t try to make sense of anything…just feel and notice what thoughts and sensations were coming to me in that moment.

My main thought: With work and family life, how can I possibly get everything done today?

My feelings: tired, frazzled, depleted, dreadful, and calmer as I breathed

Remembering that everything I say and do is an attempt to meet my needs (http://www.cnvc.org/); I breathed deeper, stretching myself to see myself with compassion and acceptance.
What was important to me in that moment? What were my feelings and thoughts trying to tell me about myself and what I needed?

Clarity and being mothered (to be accepted, loved, and cared for) came to mind.

Understanding that, I figured I needed a bit more help. Fortunately, I have weekly phone calls and dates set up for me to receive empathy. I had a call scheduled with a friend that morning. Remembering that brought some more relief. After speaking with her, I was able to feel grounded, hopeful, and focused again. I prioritized tasks so that I did things throughout the day that energized me.

Holding myself as precious as my children, I have more energy to hold them as precious. This is what I call radical self-care.

Even as challenging as it is to do with young children, are you up for radical self-care too? Are you willing to consider that your needs are as precious as your children’s needs? Are you willing to persist even when loving yourself feels hard to do?

Would you like to try this for yourself right now?
1. Take deep breaths until you feel more calm and alert.
2. Watch your thoughts and feelings move through you now.
3. What’s important to you right now? What do you need? What things are going well for you in this moment?
4. What might you like to do to meet more of your needs?
Speaking of Radical Self-Care…
If you want a fun and nourishing family experience living in a community with this kind of heart connection, preregister for Family Heart Camp (http://www.familyheartcamp.org/) Summer 2011.
We did!

Imagine daily empathy and personal support to fill you up. Within a spacious schedule, kids and adults have so many fun activities to choose from. The kids were never bored. 
For a whole week, I didn’t have to cook, clean, or do laundry. During that time, I could focus on myself, my family, and falling in love with new friends.
www.FamilyHeartCamp.org was the highlight of our summer!

If I could only ask her what she meant by that…

written by Wendy McDonnell

Inspired by hearing others speak about their mothers, I was thinking about the things my Mom used to say. You’ve probably heard these before. Maybe, like me, you’ve caught yourself saying them yourself.

Don’t make me stop this car.
Close that door! We don’t live in a barn!
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Now that I am a mom and love my Mom very much, I wanted to try my hand at translating her words.
I share this because I want to love and understand my Mom. Perhaps this’ll resonate with you too.

I’m overwhelmed and doing the best I can do.
I’m saying the things that others said to me because I think I should.
Those are the only words coming to me when I feel stressed and exhausted.
I’m afraid, vulnerable, and afraid to tell you how I’m feeling and ask for what I need.
I don’t have all the answers and I think I should.
I’m uncomfortable asking for help. I want to trust that my needs matter.

My Mom died 6 years ago. I wish I could ask her if that’s what she meant.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” Henry David Thoreau

“The key is to not resist or rebel against emotions or to try to get around them by devising all sorts of tricks; but to accept them directly, as they are.” Takahisa Kora

We can create the space to engage with each other when we are in conflict so we can look through each other’s eyes. When two or more people live together, conflict is inevitable. Sure, some conflict is preventable. Some is not. Why not prepare to engage conflict? We have food in our fridge for times when we feel hungry or ask for a hug when we need closeness. Conflict also needs space and a plan.

Dominic Barter speaks about Restorative Circles (www.restorativecircles.org) a Restorative Justice model developed in Brazil. It’s been a very creative and compassionate way to engage with painful conflict in our family.
Dominic Barter writes:
“It is common for our responses to conflict to be organised around the desire to bring security and healing to those involved, and thus to focus on resolving conflict. This seems obvious only because it is a given for most people that conflict is problematic…Restorative Circles engage non-adversarily with the complex and often intense reactions to what was done. …They then seed new action. One consequence of this is to see conflict not as something that needs to be changed or managed, but as the expression of crucial feedback about personal and communal well being.”

Read the whole Restorative Circles Blog Post by Dominic Barter: Dedicated Spaces for Having Conflict and the video (4 mins, 42 seconds) http://www.restorativecircles.org/dedicated-spaces-for-having-conflict

Conflict is not the problem. Conflict alerts us that we have something very important to fight about. What do we value? What are we drawn to? Translating our words and actions into what’s important for us can help us to move from conflict to taking care of ourselves and our relationships.

Perhaps my mother may have said, “I’m feeling scared when I hear that volume in the car. Safety is important to me. Would you be willing to use a talking voice while we’re driving? Otherwise, I will park this car until I feel safe to go.”

If I had noticed my mother’s pursed lips, I may have asked, “Do you feel overwhelmed by our yelling because you want to drive safely? Hey everyone! Let’s keep our voices down until we get to the park!”

After that, if the conflict remains, I have hope that we can gather to talk about what we were looking for when we did what we did and share how we are about that now.
What space does conflict have in your family?

“Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.” Mother Teresa

Even when I do everything right, things can still turn out wrong…

Most of my life, I’ve relied on experts to tell me what to do. Even when I did “all the right things”, I still ended up in trouble. Even now, knowing what to do doesn’t always mean that I do that. I stumble and make mistakes especially when I’m exhausted and I haven’t taken care of myself very well. When I’m rested and at ease, my day generally flows more easily. However, even that’s not a guarantee. Life is more like a series of science experiments than a true or false test. Keeping that in mind helps me stay in the flow. What keeps you in the flow?

Recently, a friend shared this poem that I’m sharing with you now. I’m reminded that I have choices and that it takes time for me to learn new things even when I think I’ve got it right. I encourage you to go easy on yourself today. Notice the holes in your sidewalk and make the best choices you can to move you closer to joy. Then, see what happens the next time.

“I’m no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my own ship.” Louisa May Alcott

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters  By Portia Nelson

CHAPTER ONE
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER TWO
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER THREE
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER FOUR
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER FIVE
I walk down another street

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” Unknown

I love to listen to and share stories about family life

I was surprised to receive another compliment about my articles today.

I’m delighted that people find my ramblings so useful.

 

Please keep the questions coming. I love to write in response to people. It feels more warm and meaningful that way. Otherwise, writing feels a bit dull for me.

In the meantime, I’ll keep in touch as much as I am able.

 

I’ve been busy with some other projects.

 

As you may know, I love to listen to parents learning to trust their instincts and their kids. About 10 years ago, I found my calling: listening to and sharing stories about family life. I began to specialize in family relationships, communication, and creating spaces for people to resolve their conflicts—helping parents clarify what’s important to them, find strategies to support their values, and discern their own needs from their children’s.

 

To that end, each week, I produce and host a radio show on www.CFRU.ca93.3 FM in Guelph. The show airs Sundays 8 to 9 AM Eastern. You can listen over the radio or online. I post podcasts to http://cfrufamily.wordpress.com/

Family Matters: explores the joys and challenges of family life. We talk about supportive parenting paradigms, relationships and communication, and culture in the context of traditional and non-traditional families. Parents, children, and other guests share their personal stories and wisdom. We inspire and inform.

Irregularly, for now, I have been posting articles to this blog. Past articles are posted to Compassion In Action.

Soon, I hope to make writing more regular again. Anyone out there willing to help?

With warmth to you and your family, Wendy

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” Unknown

The Power of Not Knowing

by Inessa Love (published with permission, March 2010)

Inessa writes: While the context of the article is about a parent-child relationship, I believe the same idea will apply to all relationships. When we are expressing ourselves authentically and vulnerably, we open the door for the natural compassion to arise. It works beautifully with children and is worth trying with the adults – but only those that you really want to have a genuine relationship with.
Wendy McDonnell writes: We don’t have to have all the answers. I sure don’t. Openly and curiously ask for what you need and you may be surprised at what you get. 

Inessa Love is a certified NVC trainer, the co-founder of Family HEART Camp – an intensive immersion in NVC and an unforgettable adventure for the whole family (www.FamilyHEARTCamp.org). Inessa is also the author of CD with NVC-inspired meditations called “The Heart of Connection: Guided meditations for Inner Peace and Harmonious Relationships” available on www.NVCMeditations.com

“I just don’t know what to do,” said Garry in exasperation. There was only 20 minutes left before leaving for the airport, to go on a trip which they planned as a family for several months. He was really looking forward to it. But now, his 11 year old son, Roman, said he did not want to go!
 
Garry was fuming inside – what do you mean you don’t want to go! What about all the talking, planning, family waiting to see them, money spent on the tickets. He was frustrated and confused, while quickly considering his choices.
 
Should he cancel the trip? No, that would be a waste of their money and a lost opportunity for fun and connection he was sure they all would enjoy.
 
Should he force his son to go? This was tempting. He could promise a reward: If you go, I will buy you that cool robot you wanted at the store last week. Or he could make a threat: If you don’t agree to go, no TV for a week. He could pull out a guilt-trip: How could you say that! Don’t you know how much money the tickets cost us? Don’t you care about the family? And what about your cousins who are waiting for you to come – you cannot disappoint them, can you? Come one, be a good sport.
 
Garry was not happy with his options. Neither giving up on the trip, nor forcing his son to go was in line with Garry’s intentions – to parent with compassion, to create connection and to value and honor everyone’s needs. He was stuck.
 
And then he did the most genuine and authentic thing – he told his son: “I just don’t know what to do!” That caught Roman’s attention. He was surprised and wanted to hear more.
 
Garry continued: “I don’t want to cancel the trip that we’ve invested so much of our time and energy for, and I don’t want to force you to go.” This was the truth – a genuine expression from the heart.
 
Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, asserts that we all are born with an innate capacity for compassion – we just need the right conditions for the compassion seeds to sprout and grow. When our children see us struggle – not as a parental “know-it-all-always-right” figure, but as a human being in distress – their seeds of compassion begin to grow.
 
“I’ll go” Roman said. It was not a giving up or a submission to an authority. It was a genuine reaching out to his Dad. “I’ll do it because it is important to you,” the Dad could almost hear him say.
 
They went to the airport and had a wonderful trip.
 
On the one side, what Garry did was the simplest thing to do – just be authentic with his child and share his struggle with him. But it was also the most difficult thing to do – to step down from the “pedestal” of “the almighty parent” and into his own humanity, with its struggles and vulnerability.
 
And it gave Roman room to think for himself, rather than follow blindly his Dad’s direction.
 
Our days as parents are filled with the commands we bark out to our children: “Don’t throw sand…I said stop that… finish your dinner first …don’t hit your brother…brush your teeth… put that stick down, you could break a glass with it… don’t push… don’t play at the table… don’t yell.” This is just a short sample a child might hear on any given day. How often do they hear a parent say “I just don’t know what to do”?
 
This is not intended as blame: “Why don’t you ever learn, I just don’t know what to do with you.” It only really “works” if it is genuine. Just lay out the problem at hand and describe both sides of the situation. Then take a step back and let them solve it:
 
“You want to watch one more episode of Bob the Builder, and I’d like to get ready for bed because I am tired. I don’t want to stay up much longer and I don’t like forcing you to stop. I just don’t know what do to. Do you have an idea?”
 
“You don’t like the soup I made, and I don’t want to make anything else right now; plus I want to make sure you get a healthy meal. I don’t know what to do. Can you think of anything?”
 
“It seems that you want to play with the piano and your sister wants to do the same. I don’t know what do to. Can you figure it out?”
 
See what your child will come up with. You might be surprised at the creativity of the proposed solutions, and likely be amused at a glimpse of how your children see the world. Don’t forget to thank them for coming up with an idea, even if it is completely unrealistic.
 
With this approach, not only will they get an invaluable practice in solving everyday problems, they are more likely to feel more compassion for you as a parent and learn to appreciate all the juggling involved in making the family function. Plus, they are likely to have a head start to become independent thinkers, to gain confidence in their abilities and to grow into empowered and independent adults.
 
These are all the great benefits you could gain, at a small cost of some humility and vulnerability. Perhaps you might even feel more compassion for yourself and the challenging role you have as a parent. “I just don’t know” might possibly become one of the most powerful things you could say.

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Consider: www.FamilyHeartCamp.org July 3-11, 2010Would you enjoy more Harmony, Ease, Authenticity, Respect and Trust in your family?
Then consider Family HEART Camp – an unforgettable one week immersion in Nonviolent Communication for families, held in an oasis of natural beauty near Washington DC.
Nonviolent Communication offers a powerful set of tools and inspiring perspectives that support people in living their values, and in speaking and acting in ways that say “You matter!” to everyone involved.

These are the reasons why we want to go:

Our family is mustering up the resources to do this. If you sign up, tell the camp coordinators that Wendy McDonnell sent you. It’ll help our family go and we’ll meet you there.

• I want to coordinate a family camp in Ontario some time. I’m hope to gain some awareness about what’s involved and what support is needed to do that.
• I’m banking on feeling completely rejuvenated, taken care of, and contribute to others’ enjoyment too.
• We are looking forward to meeting other folks who practice and believe in the principles of NVC.
• It gives us all a chance to learn from others outside our immediate family and communities.

What triggers meltdowns for you?

In a busy family, it’s hard not to lose my temper and say things I regret. My friends know that I’m not perfect. I strive to give myself and others grace as my family and I learn to live compassionately with each other. Sometimes, my kids and I laugh, “Where did our listening ears go? Oh! There! Out the window! Come back!!” Sometimes, my kids and I cry together when our needs are not met. Sometimes, I get out our finger puppets I made several years ago, because it’s easier to talk to puppets than look each other in the face. Heck, that’s why I host a radio show each week: to get a constant flow of inspiration and information talking with other parents. I don’t like the term “expert”. Life seems more like a series of science experiments. Each one of us knows ourselves best; especially when we tune into each other and share our feelings and needs.

So, what triggers meltdowns for me?

After observing myself losing it countless times, I’ve learned I’m triggered when I don’t understand the situation or the other person’s perspective. I’m looking for blame and the answer to “how do we fix this problem?”

For example, one child yells “he hit me!” and I feel tense. Instead of connecting to the present feelings and needs that are up for my kids, I’m likely blaming the person who was just accused of hitting or feeling annoyed that the person who “tattled” just interrupted what I was doing. If I’m lucky, I don’t say a word. I just sigh a big sigh of dread and exhaustion. I pray the kids didn’t hear me. If I lose it, I start talking. I see the headlines now: “How to trigger a meltdown in 3 easy steps: advise, give your opinion, and tell someone else what you think they must be feeling.” I start to feel regret almost the second the first sound comes out of my mouth. The words seem to have a life of their own. Yikes! I already begin to plan for the humbling experience of damage control that’ll come later.

Sound familiar?

I have another choice.

I take a breath. This is an important step, not to be overlooked. If I don’t stop and decide how I’m going to react, I will likely be triggered. I want to hold my needs and my children’s needs with care and curiosity. After a breath, I look around, using my senses to observe as objectively as I can, and see what is happening. I notice the child who is speaking has a smile. I notice the “accused” is crying. It may be the other way around. They may be blankly staring at me waiting for my next move. They may both start to laugh. What do I see? What do I hear?

Sometimes, simply waiting in silence, each child will speak up and tell us all what they were looking for when the first child said “he hit me!”. What did each child have in mind? What was important to each of them? How are they feeling about what happened?

Then, lo and behold, we discover that the phrase “he hit me” means “I’m frustrated because I wanted to play with that…in that way…with him…with her… I’m feeling disappointed because the other child has something else in mind and I wanted us to agree.” “He hit me” means “I don’t like that” or “I don’t like waiting”. Better yet, “he hit me” was all a part of the joke and the play fighting that was going on before I disrupted the fun! Ha, ha. The joke’s on me. Once we get the gist of what’s going on and share what we understand, then I feel my tension decrease.

What’s your trigger? What are your choices?

Divorce without War

I deeply respect the courage and focus of parents who create a secure family after divorce that values respectful communication, cooperation, and understanding. These parents manage to find ways to focus on taking care of their kids while resolving painful conflicts. This is not easy. While many people think that divorce should be a fight to the bitter end, the results of a collaborative divorce are personalized, empowering, supportive, satisfying, and dignified.

Myths of divorce:

MYTH 1 – families are “broken” if they live apart.

MYTH 2 – nobody ever wins

Collaborative Divorce and Separation is:

Efficient: it focuses on interests, needs, and a satisfying resolution for the whole family

Empowering: it creates a secure family environment after divorce.

The kids are reassured: “I’m taken care of.” “My parents love me even though they don’t live with each other.” “I can love both my parents.” “My mom will always be my mom. My dad will always be my dad.” “My parents are there for me.”

Parents develop a personalized and flexible plan: Parents know their family best. They identify strengths and resources so they do what works for them. How they want to parent is up to them to decide. They seek help from others as needed.

Effective: couples develop respectful communication skills and co-parenting strategies Kids see their parents resolving conflicts.

Economical: it gets to the heart of the matter, valuing needs, without dragging the divorce out in court

it is Essentially the beginning of creating a new life for the family

Where are you going from here? What will your family look like? What will your new working relationship look like after the divorce so that your children’s needs can be met as they grow? How will you value and support all your needs? How will you stay flexible? What family values are important to you? What family values are important to both of you? How will you welcome a new partner into your family? In 10, 15, or 20 years, what do you hope to see?

What is a Collaborative Divorce?

1. If you work with lawyers from the beginning, lawyers and clients sign an agreement to work toward settlement and not  go to court. Some clients work with divorce coaches, therapists, financial advisors, and/or mediators and bring their parenting plans and separation agreements to a lawyer for approval.

2. Each person hires collaborative support (divorce and career coaches, financial advisors, parenting specialists, therapists, mediators).

3. Everyone agrees on full disclosure of information. Divorce is a problem to solve, not a battle to win.

Listen to: Divorce without War on www.CFRU.ca this Sunday morning, January 10, 2010 8 to 9 AM Eastern Time.

I host a radio show Family Matters every Sunday morning. Go to http://cfrufamily.wordpress.com/upcoming-shows/  for this month’s line-up. If you’d like us to try to answer your questions on the show, please post them 24 hours before the show.

January 10, 2010: Divorce without War: Collaborative Divorce and Separation

January 17, 2010: Co-Parenting after divorce/separation with Julie Wise and Sharon Lewis

January 24, 2010: Step Families and Blended Families with Line Brunet

January 31, 2010: Family Conferencing with Todd Perreault